Passion

I was up late, like really late, last saturday. I couldn't sleep. I had A LOT on my mind.
So, I decided to get it out of my head.
I wrote this:

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Passion can be so good sometimes, but other times it just keeps me awake at night thinking about all the things I can't change. Things that I know don't please the Lord, things I know that need to be stopped and yet to stand up and say something would be seen as "intolerant" or me being a "crazy hippy" or me "pushing my ideas on people". So many times I just want to scream from the roof tops, "You are believing a Lie!!!!"  But I can't because someone might think it was rude. That I was being too "in your face" with my personal opinions.

I hate that I'm seen as way, way, way too liberal by some and then way, way, way too conservative by others. Ya know what? I'm actually trying to live my life according to the Lord's leading and it's changing me, changing me from the inside! But what do I get for it?! I get passion. Passion to stand up for what is the truth. Not the truth according to So-n-so, but the truth, the real, honest to God (because he created it) truth. But what do I do with that truth?

It's so hard to actually follow Jesus. It's actually rather lonely. Sometimes I feel like I would have more friends if I was willing to compromise a little bit more. Other times I feel like I identify so much with John the Baptist because he was seen as a nut case! But really he was a prophet. He saw Jesus and he spoke the truth, a really inconvenient truth.

I feel like Satan has the United States so blinded to the truth that people are calling things that are bad and wrong and down-right evil, good. You would think that as Christians we could see through Satan's lies but often it seems like Christians are just as blinded by them as everyone else.  Sometimes even more blinded than the world because Christians say things like, "well, it's in the Bible" or "this is the Lord's will" and they just take the injustice. The Lord's will is never injustice! 

I don't have a clue in the world what to do about all this that is brewing inside of me.

For now, I'm just going to try and get some sleep.

But I'm going to seek the Lord, I'm going to seek him hard. I need to know if this is a passion that is of my own strength or if it is a brew that the Lord put there because He has something for me to do beyond stay up to late thinking about what I would say if I got the chance. Maybe He's starting to prepare the way to give me the chance to speak some of this out (or maybe not).

I want so much to please the Lord. I want so much to do His will. But it is so hard when what you are doing, seems so wrong because our world is so screwed up!
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Then, the next morning, I hear Buzzy say this at church.

"God wants to take your passion and wrap it in a holy boundary"

I was kind of in shock when I heard that come out of his mouth. I stayed for second service and he said it again!   And he said it in the context of a message that was centered around a VERY UNPOPULAR topic, "human trafficking/ slavery".


I was kind of inspired! Maybe the Lord really does have something coming...  

Isaiah 5:20
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!

Am I really a blogger?

So, it's the middle of the night, there are seemingly 50 dogs outside my bedroom window barking back and fourth at each other and I have two legs that are aching like crazy and keeping me awake. My sweet son and husband are knocked out cold, I wish I was too, but instead I am left with my thoughts.

My thoughts turned to blogging. I love blogging. I think it's fun. I like reading about people who don't live close anymore (or people who live right down the street - you know how it is). But I'm just not sure I have anything to write about that is worth reading. I mean really, how many pictures of B can I post? So all that to say, I'm not sure if I am actually a blogger. Maybe I'm just a narcissist with a website.

I was told once that i don't update enough. I can't argue with that. But that comment left me to wonder how is it that the "real" bloggers have the time to update every day or so? Do they have dirty dishes ever? Laundry to fold? Kids who get sick? Husbands who need food? Do bloggers sleep? (Notice how the only time I've blogged in the last 3 weeks is on the night I can't sleep... coincidence? )  Do bloggers have their friends over or spend an afternoon outside in the pool?

I think about blogging all the time. I think about it as I slip those bright yellow gloves on to tackle a pile of dishes from the night before. I think about it as I'm hanging diapers on the line or switching clothes from the washer to the drier. I think of cute little witty blogs as I am vacuuming the living room and scraping steel cut oats off the floor under my son's high chair. But then I think, "Should I be blogging while my house sits in filth? Is blogging being a good steward of my time and energy?"

I still don't know the answers to those questions. If you have any thoughts on them I would love to hear them. I need a little help on figuring out this whole "spending my time wisely" thing. There is ALWAYS something else I could be doing (sewing projects from before my son was born, a scrap book that is 2 years behind, dishes, laundry, etc. ...) but I enjoy blogging. What is to be said for that? The fact that I enjoy it should give it some sort of merit, right? I don't know. Sometimes sin can be enjoyable, right? Sin seems fun for a season but then it always ends up getting you in the end. (Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying blogging is sinful... I'm just sharing my thoughts and I always am harder on myself than I am on anyone else, always.) 

My legs still hurt, but the dogs are quiet now and my mind has released all the blog thinking it was doing. I think I'll try to sleep.

And maybe I'll post a blog tomorrow. Maybe.